Thursday, March 27, 2008
Bathroom Monologue: Letter to the Editors
He wasn't sure he was God. He could manipulate reality so well that nobody noticed when he did it, and the side effects were minimal (some people saw UFO's and once or twice a virgin got impregnated, nothing big). And he sure didn't want to play God because that never worked out well for anyone, least of all for God, Whom, if He existed, wasn't answering His phone anymore. But darn it, he wanted to help. There were so many sick people. So many hungry people. So many unnecessary deaths. The suffering of humans was ridiculous, caused primarily by the selfishness and ignorance of their fellow men (and women). They needed instruction. So he crafted a message. Then removed the profane language. Then he edited it to include literary flourish. Then he re-edited it to modernize the language. Then re-edited to include that interpretability most humans needed in instruction, and seconds later scratched that out and made sure it was as obvious a command as possible. Finally, he slept on it. It seemed pretty good, and after softening his words a little (he could come off as harsh) and reading it out loud to hear how it sounded, he mailed it to reality. He hoped it worked. It read: "Love each other or I'll fucking kill you."