Bathroom Monologue: Behind every great dog is a carpet with no stains

"Behind every great man is a great woman. Except behind every great gay man, behind whom I guess there must have been some very disappointing woman. And behind every great woman must have been a father who was too busy trying to be a great man to be a decent father. Behind every great father? Probably a bunch of things he did in his twenties that he's praying his daughters won't find out about."